two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
