She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
