I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
