How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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