dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
