id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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