I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
