I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
