If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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