Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Shame - the story of my life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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