Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
