I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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