So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
