I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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