dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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