just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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