Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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