Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
