you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
