Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize