Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
