Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How naked do you want me to be?
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