i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
