We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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