She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
