You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize