he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
