my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
did i just pee glitter
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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