i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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