im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
