There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
