So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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