he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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