is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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