Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My life is pants optional.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
