just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
