Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Houston, we have a squirter
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
