My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
