Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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