OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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