I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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