There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
