just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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