if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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