Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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