Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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