do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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