i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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