New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
