News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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