WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
