you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
