i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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