All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
