I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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