I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
