you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
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