apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
