im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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